What you think?

Three thirty eight in the morning, when I should be sleeping I am up. I can not seem to rest my head. My dreams even haunt me. I have dreams that make it hard to have any level of resistance.My soul doesn't know what to do with the latest bit of....."stuff"

Part of me wants to remove me from every part of the equation and just leave those whose moral ethos is not matched to my on alone. However because I have to be apart of society I am forced to compromise my snobbish slightly prudish ways and place them aside and involve myself with everyone at every point. Difficult.

My God daughter said to me, "Madrina, One day I want to hear you say; 'I'm good', when I ask you how your doing?". Because my response to how you are doing is never Okay, it is always, "I do not know how to answer that question". I actually do know how to answer that question but I am too afraid to smile because I know someone or something is trying to come after my joy, my peaceful bliss. Something I work really hard to maintain. I can't seem to get ahead for losing cause I am always watching my back with people who I care about. I am starting to wonder do they or have they ever cared about me?

T.I say's it best "your piss poor morally". That is how I feel about most, and what I see happening with most, their moral compass's are slightly altered to see a different reality. Then to top it off, and I have said this a few times, and no disrespect intended, however our usage of technology has created a world of people who do not communicate with each other, we do not know how to have positive human interaction. Myself included, I would rather speak to you from, behind my computer screen than sit in a room with you because I am not sure if what we share will get back to someone and at then end of it all I am the "boogy-man". When really it was just human curiosity about how the sun revolves around the earth and the cycles of the moon. Because I want to learn and be taught it is looked at as bad. What has the world come to when curiosity is negative?

We, that means you, in this world especially black people should be lifting each other up instead of casting stones, we should be walking with integrity instead of causing and being the epicenter of the madness, we shouldn't be placing undue hardship, we shouldn't take a smile as jealousy. NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE DISAPPEAR from this community. I understand the true detriment of the tongue. I am no one and mean nothing in the grand scheme of things, and would be very content with not being apart of anything. I would be okay with not giving back and doing and being willing to do for my community. However that is not how I was raised, that is not the daughter my mother created. I have been giving back from the day I could walk. Rather it be sitting with elders (respectively) or watching children from parents who can not afford to pay for child care because it brings me joy.

I need some type of peace, because I am loosing my hope in life. I am loosing my respect for the vessel that God has given me to live on this earth at this time. I am loosing my faith. My smile has become a frown and my heart is slowly growing freezing-I passed cold a long time ago-bitter. And I understand it, when this happens you basically build your own grave.

All of you in this note in some way or another are very important to me, and my own spiritual growth as well as my under-developed emotional growth. In some way you have helped shape and mold who I am. I thought I would give you first hand thoughts about where I am right now in this moment. My inner silence and comfort is slowly turning to discomfort and removal. I will speak to each one of you face to face about where I am planning to go next and what my move will be.

I like many others, I am soon to go as well.... thank you for your kind words, encouragements, enlighten words, laughter, smiles, hugs advice and the shoulders to cry on...