An open letter from a girl hurt:
I have been holding on to the following since Saturday, because you have done it in the past and I have allowed it, placed me on hold and dismissed me in the process.- Not cool at all.
This is a form of pacification, and I do not like to be pacified. I am not a child. I am very much an adult and can have difficult conversations. I do not need to hurt others in the process to get my points across about how I am feeling in any given situation. You however have made me feel like I am insane- Everything that has transpired between us I have talked to someone about without giving names, dates, locations. I have been able to address my social awkwardness and unease in matters of the heart without breaking our agreement of privacy. Something I thought we were on the same page about until this last Saturday.
You originally addressed the issue with: “He doesn’t know anything current”. I said okay in that moment because I was seething with anger.
My questions:
“Why does he know anything at all and who else knows something? I wonder has he been discussing me and our sexual relationship with other people. Am, I being put in a position to not be respected? Does he understand why I am so private? Does it matter to him that he hurt my feelings and broke my trust?
Since you feel that this is out of control, I figured we could have a much focused conversation. Here are the things I would like to discuss with you.
Several times you have made references to my level of maturity or lack there of. When in actuality I am very lenient with you because I know that you are not in the same caliber as me when if comes to maturity. You respond I believe sometimes from an “instant response place” versus thinking about your answer- You say hurtful shit and don’t realize the impact. I do not respond with emotion I respond with practicality. You fucked up, and as a result of your fuckupage I am not sure I trust you or can trust you anymore. Maybe that is what you wanted, who knows….
I trusted you enough to think that you wouldn’t go around and talk about me with your friends as if I am an object to be passed around. (I am a woman and that does not feel good to be discussed by men and men that I interact with on a daily base. I guess it is true, the less someone knows the better- I could have so done without this…) I do not discuss you with people just to be talking about you. I do talk to my aunt about you but my aunt is also not going around telling her friends, or my family my business- And I did inform you that I speak to my Aunt about you and I- and they would never have the audacity to approach me about anything in such a public way.
You dismissed my feelings, request to keep it private and you displayed the behavior of someone who is not my friend, someone who does not respect me. And that is the foundation for any relationship respect. Albeit this one is of a sexual nature, there is still a level of respect that needs to be earned and then maintained.
The flip side of this coin is I guess Damien got his way. Men are ruled by their penis and in this case since I wanted nothing to do with his penis from jump; I guess he found the motive needed to ruin a good thing. I turned him down when I first met him, I didn’t think he was attractive nor do I think so now. He will deny it if you talk to him about it, he will flag it off. That is his style.
The part about this that makes me more embarrassed is the cocky statement I made before he put you and me on blast. I said “ I am the kind of chick that you could be in a room full of dudes I have dealt with and you would never know, cause I am private about mines”….we were discussing how to have a proper booty call and the rules of the game, I was holding court with a room full of men. Matter a fact we were not in a room we were on the corner of 14th and Union Square North, outside for the world to hear. And he did not pull me aside, he made a point to be loud enough that people heard him clearly and that I couldn’t ignore him. So I think I got played as well.
My first thought was to let you go, I felt that you were not worthy of redemption. However, I have to start doing something different with my life. I like the way you feel with me. I like our sexual relationship, I have not felt this way about sex and my body in a long time and I don’t want to loose that. Trust is huge for me and I trusted you with this. Ok, so he doesn’t know anything current. That’s hard for me to believe because you told me last Tuesday that you were scared of me- WHICH I DO NOT UNDERSTAND-then he goes and repeats the same words to me the following Saturday…would you trust me if I brought you the same scenario? And if yes, teach me how to trust you…..
What do we do with all of this?
I have been holding on to the following since Saturday, because you have done it in the past and I have allowed it, placed me on hold and dismissed me in the process.- Not cool at all.
This is a form of pacification, and I do not like to be pacified. I am not a child. I am very much an adult and can have difficult conversations. I do not need to hurt others in the process to get my points across about how I am feeling in any given situation. You however have made me feel like I am insane- Everything that has transpired between us I have talked to someone about without giving names, dates, locations. I have been able to address my social awkwardness and unease in matters of the heart without breaking our agreement of privacy. Something I thought we were on the same page about until this last Saturday.
You originally addressed the issue with: “He doesn’t know anything current”. I said okay in that moment because I was seething with anger.
My questions:
“Why does he know anything at all and who else knows something? I wonder has he been discussing me and our sexual relationship with other people. Am, I being put in a position to not be respected? Does he understand why I am so private? Does it matter to him that he hurt my feelings and broke my trust?
Since you feel that this is out of control, I figured we could have a much focused conversation. Here are the things I would like to discuss with you.
1. Privacy- what that really means, how you actually do that, why I am so private
2. Embarrassment- being pacified,
3. Lack of communication- in the strictest since of the word
4. Being told "you are scaring me"- the feelings behind that
5. Fear
6. Ground Rules- We both need to come up with them in order for this to work.
7. Lies- BE HONEST WITH ME
I trusted you enough to think that you wouldn’t go around and talk about me with your friends as if I am an object to be passed around. (I am a woman and that does not feel good to be discussed by men and men that I interact with on a daily base. I guess it is true, the less someone knows the better- I could have so done without this…) I do not discuss you with people just to be talking about you. I do talk to my aunt about you but my aunt is also not going around telling her friends, or my family my business- And I did inform you that I speak to my Aunt about you and I- and they would never have the audacity to approach me about anything in such a public way.
You dismissed my feelings, request to keep it private and you displayed the behavior of someone who is not my friend, someone who does not respect me. And that is the foundation for any relationship respect. Albeit this one is of a sexual nature, there is still a level of respect that needs to be earned and then maintained.
The flip side of this coin is I guess Damien got his way. Men are ruled by their penis and in this case since I wanted nothing to do with his penis from jump; I guess he found the motive needed to ruin a good thing. I turned him down when I first met him, I didn’t think he was attractive nor do I think so now. He will deny it if you talk to him about it, he will flag it off. That is his style.
The part about this that makes me more embarrassed is the cocky statement I made before he put you and me on blast. I said “ I am the kind of chick that you could be in a room full of dudes I have dealt with and you would never know, cause I am private about mines”….we were discussing how to have a proper booty call and the rules of the game, I was holding court with a room full of men. Matter a fact we were not in a room we were on the corner of 14th and Union Square North, outside for the world to hear. And he did not pull me aside, he made a point to be loud enough that people heard him clearly and that I couldn’t ignore him. So I think I got played as well.
My first thought was to let you go, I felt that you were not worthy of redemption. However, I have to start doing something different with my life. I like the way you feel with me. I like our sexual relationship, I have not felt this way about sex and my body in a long time and I don’t want to loose that. Trust is huge for me and I trusted you with this. Ok, so he doesn’t know anything current. That’s hard for me to believe because you told me last Tuesday that you were scared of me- WHICH I DO NOT UNDERSTAND-then he goes and repeats the same words to me the following Saturday…would you trust me if I brought you the same scenario? And if yes, teach me how to trust you…..
What do we do with all of this?
