Over the last few years or so when it comes to love of the African as she lives in the United State, I have seen more displays of interesting behavior towards this woman. And admittedly, At the age I am now I care more about the separation of the Male African from "self", often hearing statements such as:
"I do not want to marry my mother"
"black women are too angry"
"or it is just easier"
"black bitch"
"face down ass up"
just a few of the things that let me know that the person spewing those words are not mentally developed and actually closed minded, full of contentiousness.
This is pathology at its best. Hurt folks tend to hurt folks. People who are jaded tend to be master manipulators. This is not just a surface conversation that is only about who you lay with but this is a cultural conversation about some basic things we as people all need in order to relate , and when it comes to religion and love the black mind is so corrupted a black jesus is an abomination. And ANYTHING drenched in Christianity OR a black 'God' made in my image is the thing of the devil.
What is this devil? What is this energy that separates us all? Where is love?
There are many viscous words I can say in response to the African and the loss of self in the face of the changing and shifting of our nation-it does not feel good to watch-the things I wish I could do to open the minds of the heads of those that are mindless.
In this moment understanding truly why and or how is it that we are where we are? Maybe I am asking "too much questions" and not allowing things to "fall where they may"- or maybe somewhere in my spirit I do not want to let things fall where they may. I believe we are accountable for how we speak and talk to each other.
This train of thought always finds me wondering how we got to this divisional place where diversity is the divisor that keeps our brothers away from our sister? In all forms.
When ever I start examining the reasons for the division-I get stuck in the varied devilish details-the varied reasons why I am not in a partnership with another person... are all things that can be combatted and then as if on key I tend to become really angry inside for how people treat each other, the ways we are towards each other, we kill each others spirit often- with absolutely no care.
This particular train pulls a serious cord. An all together stop cord. Not an emergency cord. Just one that slows down each and every frame.
Constantly I shift and grow and practice patience, and its not in theory that I actively participate.
Daily I decide not to engage in anything thats gonna take me out my character, the one I created. The one I have cultivated.
I must go back to a beginning so we are all on the same page. Hopefully the stoke of my brush is wide-and all is illuminated.
Our captors- white prisoners who were give freedom, by the British Crown- have done a dozy on our minds. Five things I believe keep me-personally- and some generally from being in a loving caring relationship. And I wish their was a court of land I could take the descendent of my captors too, for me extending my bloodline is most difficult.
The five things are as follows:
1. Trust (understanding)
2. Honesty (listening with the deepest part of your heart)
3. Integrity (making the proper choice)
4. forthrightness (saying what you want)
5. Spirituality (...not religion)
1. Trust- Understanding?
As a woman of color whom has known she is a woman of color from birth and constantly surrounded by instructors who are white women. It was most difficult to find my African voice amongst the many American voices proclaiming my voice to be wrong sometimes this included my own family....And somewhere along the way I have forgotten the value of having things that are mine.
I stopped wanting to be understood. Stopped wanting to be wanted, and I pushed. I started removing me from the pickings. -Sometimes I wonder if I made the wrong decision or if listening to my gnawing instinct was the right thing to do...what I was really doing was much worse...
I removed the ability to trust anyone from the spiritual coding in my body. I fortified myself in the the values of trust worthiness, favor and constant giving. These are all things that no one looks to see if the person doing is actually thriving. None of that cultivated my secret woman's place, or allowed me to not give away too much. That did not do anything for my confidence. All defense mechanisms created by me, to not allowing anyone in...-If I keep showing up they will never ask if I am good. Thats was my train of thought. I counted out people that would help me or people that do love me....these are the people whom would have ask If I had a warm place to call home, food in my belly, entertainment....etc
However because I am full on no trust or not knowing how to trust I missed out on reciprocal love....
The delicacies of this thing called trust are similar to that of tight rope walking things have to be just "so"...
Trust is such a delicate thing and I am a delicate human. Although on the outside I seem strong as stone, and nothing bothers me- that is the biggest lie I tell-it all bothers me, and I can clearly see it. I have always clearly seen how "things" effect and bother me.
The ways we separate each other are detrimental to our collective spirits. The way we are divisive in our speech and our biases. Trust is the one thing that takes me years to cultivate. And so far I have been here , in NYC for 13 years and trust is not one thing I can not cultivate. Even in private moments....trust is not a thing I give too freely. And once broken its even harder to regain.
2. Honesty
This is the sister to trust in the family called respect. As I have come to know life/ journey I have learned in order to get the supplies that are needed on the road to becoming you, one must force the "ego" of self to listen through the veil of honesty.
When we listen with the "spiritual mind" of the heart we are forced to listen with:
Compassion
Empathy
Duality
Thought
Apathy
Reason
Logic (only in understanding)
Release of (assumed power)
When. we do not do this we listen with:
Ego (ID)
Control
Scubas energy
Darkening the light
Contentiousness
Know-it-all behavior
Jealousness
Alienating Behavior
The latter does not cultivate anything positive and plants the seeds of missed- Honesty. This is where you unravel the "trust" and "hope" that a person will be honest with you. Therefore what is actually manifested is unbalanced and unevenly yoked. The spiritual heart is far more sensitive than the physical one. For the spiritual heart holds all of your desires, secret wishes, hopes, dreams, and the 'labyrinth' to get you to a place of reciprocal love.
The most interesting thing about this is I tell the truth and I am honest. And along the way I know when I am dishonest. And I know when I have held my honest. Hindsight is 20/20.
And in all of those moment 2 things didn't happen. I didn't trust myself enough to be honest and I didn't trust my any of my would be mate to be honest with me. All because I was not listening with the deepest portion of my heart.
(The kind of love represented her is universal love. This in unattainable if you are close and full of missed: Honesty and Trust)
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