Please do not touch me

After several conversations today, I feel as if I should go hide in a cave and not have a voice where it comes to interacting with humans. 

Humans are so interesting, they tend to want what they themselves cannot give. I was raised to be fiercely independent. 

My daily gift and curse is to walk with Iku (death in Yoruba cosmology), to know and see when life is going to end...and not having the site to see when it will begin again. Having a birds eye view to the switch from breath to no longer having breath. (You, scrolling through my time line or who receive the notification reading this are probably wondering if I have fallen off my rocker). Rest assured dear worrier, I am not and I have not I am in full faculty and I am extremely sane. I wish I could not see that which I have been shown in dreams and in simply looking at a person for too long, and then there is touch....Do not touch me. For I do not want to know you as intimately...yet or maybe at all. [This is when I miss being a Iyawo] 

From the moment you touch me, I know how you feel about me as well as parts of your life that you are not willing to look at and in that moment that is too much about you and then to be responsible for you from that moment on. Such a huge burden. Its the moment you go from being a stranger, to being someone I know on a some what intimate level. Something I do not want to know. 

Which often times is far too uncomfortable for me because I just met you 45 seconds ago. I used to think I made it up [repeatedly told, in a dismissive at you tone: you creative types have a vivid imagination], knowing that much about a person and being responsible....

.......knowing too much of "things" I do not want to know in the beginning, you are held in prayer and light is shed to you from me, and I wish I could turn that off. For I know, know other way. My blood takes over and FORCES me to help. 

Its hard to hear things like: "Don't be extra", or "Don't talk about Obatala", or "why are you so sensitive", or "that is not the truth", "how do you know that spirit", "you are not a spiritualist",  when your blood is twisting and turning and shifting because you are not doing as you are told and know to do. Maybe I should loose my sanity? Allow myself to fall into places of 'in-sanity'? So you could pin-point that which I have already been shown. And I do NOT KNOW EVERYTHING PLEASE STOP SAYING THOSE WORDS TO ME.... I know what I am told, what I read and what I have worked on. Following the letter of my Ita (the ordination of the new initiates life as it is divined from Odu) to the "T"

Its lonely, this life I live. One that I wish with every breathe I did not have to live.  Obligated from the blood that flows (Oche) to answer. Multiple times in the day I ask Olofi, not to inflict this type of gift upon my children, so they can have some what normal lives. Silly I think because so many wish they had this gift. To "astro travel", "to see", "to hear the spirits", "to live in both worlds at the same time" (master number I have), and then the charlatans, who make money off my gift and I refuse to take a penny. Living a life of humility because I was put here to do a job that I know very clearly what I have to do. Having children reaching out to hug me because they see a light, that adult refuse to acknowledge. And, then when Olorun becomes annoyed with my persistent attitude to procrastinate that which I know, random adults will tell you: You know what you need to do, so do it. It is what you were put here to do. (I know its a gift and a curse all to well). 

However when I attempt at "ignoring", that which I know and act as if I do not hear that spirit or see that person who is beginning the process of death. I become inflicted with pings and pains that cripple me from doing anything else. [hence why I am in a rehabilitation center/ nursing home. ]So I ask Oludumare: on bended knee and bowed head.....PLEASE DO NOT MAKE MY CHILDREN THE WAY I AM. Do not inflict mommy's gift onto them......my heart prayer said in a breathless whisper...

Oh, and the looks and stares, that people give because I look "innocent", and "gullible". They jump at the opportunity to throw some of their lies my way, and because I have finally found that voice, the one I lost so long ago.... I stop them from even "trespassing against me", and then as if on cue, I become enemy number one. 

Their love turns to hate, smiles regress to frowns and what once was "good and easy as Sunday morning" energy becomes, rigidly conflicted. Silence is my answer when all else fails. Starting from the inside out. When that energy pushes, silence becomes a useless weapon, so the process of solitude is enacted. So I please me, at all times....

..from that I am then "judged" and told I play the victim, or I am a snob, or I need to come off the mountain, so I have no choice but to mingle with the world that inflicts their spiritual waste upon me. Where I see no victim the world see incompetent and treats me as such....

So my prayer tonight is that, those who are going to pass, pass in peace and that their journey to the the other side is painless. I pray they are free from the human experience of infliction and pain. 

As you say

so it is

Ase